How did I get here?

There are days at work when I can’t stop asking myself that question. How did I get here? And then I think “I didn’t know where I was when I started and I didn’t have a specific place I wanted to go.”

It’s an incredibly lame answer when one considers that I simply hate my job. I hate the high school-ness of it. The being here between a certain number of hours and being at your desk looking busy. Sure I get to talk to my friends and we talk about the work we have to get done and people we don’t like. And I can decorate my locker (cubicle) anyway I want. It’s sooo high school.

Now that I’ve said all this, what does it mean for me? What step should I take? I’m playing a waiting game until after the test Thursday. What will I hear when I wake up? If I’m going to die, I know exactly what I’ll do. If I’m going to live…What next?

I felt the same way when I came back from my surfing vacation in Mexico. What happened next? Nothing. I wrote a post and went back to the life I’d taken a vacation from. I try to be thankful for this job (after all it payed for the vacation), and sometimes I can make myself believe it. But I’ve been there for over 5 years, and I’ve wanted out of for about four. What does that say about me?

I don’t leave it because I’ve got it in my head that: nothing else would be any better; there’s bullshit wherever you go; I’d never find another job making as much money with my kind of vague, though solid, skills; there are much worse bosses out there; the people I like here are good friends, etc, etc and a cashmere sweater.  I don’t even try anymore. I’m just thankful for the insurance and the sick leave.  Is that not sad? Yes it is sad. I’m worth more right?

Now that I think about it, in the 5 years I’ve had this job I’ve had 4 medical procedures requiring going to, if not staying in, the hospital. Before that, as an adult? 0. My god, I think my job is literally making me sick! Maybe it’s just an age thing? Maybe I’m just going through a rough patch. But if I subscribe to the notion that everything happens for a reason, I have to admit, it’s a little strange.

I’m a little annoyed with O.

What’s up with all the rich women in O? Who are the people who think a six figure salary is moderately successful? This month’s theme, Do What You Love, tells us to follow our gut, our heart, our passion. Leave your current soul sucking job for what calls you…

But the ‘example’ women doing this heart following all had six-figure jobs, no careers, or an extra home to sell, or a husband with a six-job to get them started.

My friend always gets annoyed with Suze Ormand, and rightfully so. She says things like “Always buy your car with cash!” If I had a spare $10-$20,000 I wouldn’t need to read her column! Yeah, sure, if I had it I would be in it for sure, but I don’t. Other suggestions please.

I don’t have a six-figure job, let alone a coherent career to speak of, nor do I have an extra home to sell, or a husband, at all for that matter. So what’s the lesson for me? Stay in the soul sucking job until I’m making six figures? Until I have 20 years experience? Will I have any soul left to leave?