The next 6 days may be the death of me. This time next week I’ll have closed on the house. Or not. Both of these options make me nauseous.
If I don’t get the house, I’ll be nauseous for obvious reasons: I really love this house, it would be perfect for me and it would be difficult to find something like it at this price point. I would have to start looking all over again. I wouldn’t have a timeline for buying anything, but I’m 90% packed. Would I move somewhere much cheaper with a much shorter lease? What do I do?
The other option, is closing on the house. Yay! I got the house! Great! Well? Essentially I’ve got another mortgage in the duplex, I have to call movers and utilities and pay double utilities and find additional jobs and, and, and. If you’ve read my posts you know that I’ve already started to thinking about (the inevitable?) foreclosure.
I can suck the joy out of any situation.
I just can’t imagine being happy. O.k. I know I know. A place can’t make you happy or unhappy. Happiness comes from within, be happy in the present moment yada yada yada, blah blah blah. But seriously, the toll for any happiness, any truly good fortune I would come across would surely be negated by some other bad fortune. I believe that’s the way the world works. For me. Others can be happy. Others can have ridiculous fortune. Not me. If I won the lottery, I would immediately lose it all to some scam or something. If I fell in love, of course the man would be doomed to an early death.
Deep down I don’t think I deserve this house. I haven’t earned it. It’s too nice for me. I haven’t worked hard enough or long enough. Basically I’m not good enough. And truth be told this feeling is not really deep down. It’s right at the surface. It’s right on top. I can imagine myself in this house but I can’t imagine the universe not extracting some great payment for it, because I overreached, some immediate event, large or tiny, that would make every minute I’m in the house full with regret or anxiety or bitterness.
Still, I really want this house.
