easy October 16, 2008

Here’s the thing. I want everything to be easy. Effort is exhausting. I just don’t have any energy left after working, taking care of myself in the most basic manner and dwelling on my fears and inadequacies. So things, the things I really want to do, things I want to accomplish, need to be really easy.

There’s no energy left for effort, or trial and error or dissappointment; there’s no joy in the making only the end, and only if the end is what I wanted it to be when I started. I have no husband, no children, no responsibilities than to be my own person, and at the end of the day I do not have the energy to do that.

So if I could just fall into something easy yet highly satisfying, and I wouldn’t mind profitable, that would be great.

Now what? Redux October 4, 2008

I’ll live. Yay!

There’s nothing wrong with my colon. Nothing. After the immediate relief, the relief of being able to eat, phoning friends and family to tell them that I was fine, and sleeping some of the drugs off, the question “Now what?” came back to me.

Now what? My Dieing Plan is now obsolete. What’s my Living Plan?  I’ve been thinking I could just live out my DP. Only one problem: My DP doesn’t really include a means of support. I go home and live with my mother for a few months, maybe working for spending money but basically mooching off of her. That is not acceptable as a long term plan. I have to take care of myself.

But that’s the hard part living, isn’t it? Taking care of yourself. I’m taking care of myself now – better than I admit -, but this is not the life that makes me smile, this is not the way I want to live if I only had a few months left.